Once Upon a Shoddy Apartment in London
by Elizabeth Valentine
Summary: The fellowship are transported to our time in London where they must do battle with the evil Mary-Sue army and rescue Legolas from Neko, the Slash Queen!
1. Everyone Passes Out

A/N: This is strange and insane. I LOVE YOU ALL!!! There will be random appearances from random characters, such as real people and Harry Potter because I like making fun of him. It also makes fun of everyone and everything, including the cast and Mary-Sues. Also, I MAKE AN APPEARANCE! THAT'S RIGHT, ME! NEKO!! THE SLASH QUEEN!!! So yes, there will be slash because I like it. If you don't, then BUGGER OFF!!!  
  
  
  
Once Upon a Shoddy Apartment in London - Chapter one, Everyone passes out  
  
Once upon a time, in the middle of Middle-Earth, the Fellowship was having a reunion. This wouldn't be so strange if it wasn't for the fact that it was being held in Rivendell and Elrond was the one hosting the party. What made it even stranger was the fact that Boromir was there, not that we don't all love Boromir.  
  
  
  
"Huzzah!" Cried Haldir for some strange reason. For some strange reason he wasn't dead, so he kept getting some pretty strange looks. Not that we don't all love Haldir. "It has been 129047390547294729506826 years since the destruction of the one ring!" Haldir got even more weird looks. Well, honestly. You're going to if you state the obvious, I mean, everyone knows the one ring was destroyed 129047390547294729506826 years ago!  
  
  
  
"Huzzah!" Cried Frodo, who was pissed out of his mind and hadn't aged a day for some odd reason. Namely, because he still had the ring.  
  
  
  
All of a sudden there was a loud 'poof' and Gandalf appeared, looking exactly as he had 129047390547294729506826 years previous. "Gandalf!" Cried Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, who also hadn't aged for some unexplained reason. Meaning, I can't be bothered to think of one. The three promptly passed out.  
  
  
  
"I am a spoon!" cried Pippin, who also passed out. Then, everyone passed out.  
  
  
  
The End...ok, maybe not. I'll write some more since you asked so nicely, BUT YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT CHAPTER, MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! 


	2. Everyone is Gay

A/N: Here's chapter 2. Mary-Sue makes and appearance and so does a mysterious girl. Mild slashyness and more insanity.  
  
  
  
  
  
Once Upon a Shoddy Apartment in London - Chapter 2, Everyone is gay  
  
When the fellowship awoke (Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin and Boromir) they found themselves in a shoddy apartment in London. "What's London?" asked Frodo, clinging desperately to Sam who was really quite enjoying it, (even though he was most definitely NOT gay, he thought).  
  
It's a place you've never been to before; I'm not explaining it to you. Ask Gandalf.  
  
"Oh, ok." Replied Frodo to the voice in his head.  
  
Just then Legolas, who was the smartest even though he was a blonde (though that was debatable, tales have been told of the amazing vanishing roots!), realised something "Where's Gandalf?"  
  
Just then the door swung open and in strode Gandalf in all his old man glory. "Yo!" cried Gandalf, astounding all around him with his brilliance.  
  
"Gandalf, where are we?" asked Frodo, who was thick and had already forgotten.  
  
"We are in London in the future! I have been here many times and know it well. This is my home. It may not look like much, but it's someplace to sleep at least."  
  
All of a sudden (dramatic music) the door flew open and in the doorway stood the most beautiful woman any had ever laid eyes upon. They all immediately fell in love with her, (including Gandalf, which is worrying considering). Aragorn managed to gasp out; "Fair maiden, what is your name?"  
  
"I'm Mary-Sue, yo!" The girl spoke in a similar manner to Gandalf, probably because she was his daughter as he explained.  
  
All of a sudden (dramatic music) the door flew open (again) and another lovely young lady made an appearance. She brutally murdered the other woman, who by now no one could remember the name of because they were all making out with each other on the floor.  
  
Who is the mysterious young woman and why is she so beautiful? Did she turn everyone gay with some magical power? Probably, you'll have to wait and see. 


	3. Neko kidnaps Legolas and makes him do na...

A/N: Um...yey! More slashyness but no detail, sorry. Is that it? Yep, that's it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Once Upon a Shoddy Apartment in London - Chapter 3, Neko the Slash Queen kidnaps Legolas and makes him do naughty things!  
  
"Huzzah!" cried the young woman, who was being ignored. "I am Neko, the Slash Queen of North London and I come with a message to all who wish to hear it! Kill all Mary-Sue's, follow my example! Huzzah!" And with that, the strange young woman left. The fellowship all stopped making out with each other.  
  
"Now I know why we are here!" Cried Gandalf, wiping his mouth clean since he had been kissing Gimli (ewww! Who'd wanna kiss a dwarf?!?) "We must fight against this new evil, the evil of the Mary-Sue's, else, they will take over this world and I wont get to see Star Wars Episode three!" Looking around, Gandalf added "and we must save Legolas from his fate at the hands of Neko!" And with that, they all marched out of the shoddy apartment and down the road.  
  
"Huzzah!" cried Gandalf, because he hadn't used that word yet. Then they all carried on walking.  
  
An hour later they returned to the shoddy apartment to find an army of Mary- Sue's waiting for them on the doorstep (how that many Mary-Sue's fit on the doorstep I don't know!) and a bloody battle ensued. All the Mary-Sue's died and everyone was very happy because they didn't have to fall in love with random people they had never met before in their lives!  
  
Meanwhile, in some random pyramid in Egypt, Neko was busy *ahem* torturing Legolas. In reality, she had somehow managed, with the help of some ancient Egyptian magic, to transport a selection of the hottest elves from Middle-Earth, including Elrohir, Elladan, Haldir (who was not dead) and several other random elves who she thought looked hot when looking into her crystal ball (TV set with DVD player attached, playing the Special Extended DVD Edition of The Fellowship of the Ring - again, don't ask how in the middle of a pyramid in Egypt without electricity.)  
  
The elves in question (Legolas, Elladan, Elrohir, Haldir and random hot elves) were busy going at it while Neko was trying desperately to fix her TV, which, during certain 'activities' from Legolas and Elrohir, had been knocked over and had broken.  
  
Harry Potter was asleep in his bed next to Draco Malfoy as they had had a visit from the Slash Queen earlier on in the day and were now exhausted.  
  
Will the fellowship rescue Legolas? What will Haldir do when he finds out Legolas cheated on him? What does Harry Potter have to do with all this? I don't know, why are you asking me? I haven't written it yet! 


	4. And they all lived happily ever after, ‘...

A/N: Hello. This is the last chapter of this and it's...different. Should I write a sequel?  
  
BIG BIG thanks to my 7 reviewers:  
  
Kristin The Writer - Yes, I am insane. GO LOOK AT MY PROFILE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Legolas is my sexy spoon, you can have Pippin!  
  
Tomawogi - Oh I know, I'm just the best! Oh, and I'm still not talking to you!  
  
Luichien Greenleaf - O.o to you too  
  
Aillanna-Took - Yup, it is. Want me to write more after this?  
  
Elf Of Avalon - I try, I really do try  
  
Snusnug - no, I'm not happy. You're mean and took Tom's side! Meanie! And after I wrote you into this story!  
  
Rena Bakura - Thank you! Yes it is.  
  
I WANT MORE REVIEWS, WRITE MORE REVIEWS!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Once Upon a Shoddy Apartment in London - Chapter 4, And they all lived happily ever after, 'till Neko gets her hands on them again : P  
  
"Huzzah!" Cried JC as she entered the Egyptian pyramid somewhere in Egypt. "I have killed the leader of the Mary-Sues, we are finally safe!" She brandished the head of a woman on a spike (think Vlad the Impaler). Everyone sweatdropped, apart from the elves because they were all exhausted and fast asleep, so that just leaves Neko, JC and the severed head. Let's just say Neko and the head sweatdropped.  
  
"Um...JC, that's not a Mary-Sue, that's Snusnug-chan." And, indeed, upon further inspection it turned out that it was Snusnug-chan.  
  
"Oopsie, my bad." Now JC sweatdropped. There was a lot of sweatdropping going on. Neko sweatdropped again. Then JC. Then Neko. Then they got bored. It was then that the severed head decided to wake up.  
  
"Moo!" Said the head.  
  
"Welcome back to the world of the undead, Snusnug!" Neko did a dramatic pose to impress everyone, but it didn't.  
  
"Yo!" The door of the pyramid (yes, it has a door. Why? Because I wanted it to, that's why!) burst open, revealing the very intimidating sight of Gandalf in sunglasses. "Fiendish creatures, return Legolas to us! Yo!" Neko got sick of Gandalf saying 'Yo', so she killed him.  
  
"Moo!" Cried Snusnug. "You can't kill Gandalf, he has to go to the Undying Lands at the end of the book!" She got some funny looks and everyone ignored her. Suddenly the door burst open again.  
  
"Ai, does no one know how to knock?" Cried Neko, who was distraught for no particular reason. Then, she recognised the person in the doorway. "Ai, it is Tom, the Elf killer! Kill him, he must die!" So everyone killed Tom the Elf killer and they were all happy.  
  
Legolas and the other Elves went home and lived happily ever after. The fellowship, including Gandalf who was now a zombie, also went home. Neko, JC and Snusnug followed.  
  
  
  
The End..? 


End file.
